An intriguing proposal
Posted on May 30, 2011
I know this was a silly exercise, but I had fun responding to a right wing chain letter that was making the rounds and was sent to me by a colleague. My responses are in italics.
Meaningless, I know, yet somehow cathartic…..
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
Intriguing. We will take CA, the N’West, Wisconsin and Minnesota, the Northeast down to DC. You can have south, midwest, and west. We’ll let Virginia decide which way it wants to go. Let’s give it a try.
–We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
Yup. we will not have 1% of the population controlling 27% of the wealth like some third world oligarchy. You can live like Bolivia or Panama or Ivory Coast. We’ll live like Europe.
–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
Great. You can re-institute segregation, separate but equal, and put mentally impaired people to death. We will have civil rights, fair labor laws, and equal protection for all.
–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
We’ll need some cops and a bit of military, but can spend a lot more of our budget on schools, improved health care, and fixing ailing structure. You keep spending on wars and sending your young people to die for no reason. We need ours to make the world a better place.
–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
Excellent. You invest in the past and keep sending your dollars to places like Venezuela and Saudi Arabia. We’ll invest in the future and bring our energy costs down.
–You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
Okay. Just remember that your states lead the country in obesity and all the ills that go with it.
–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
Ahem, New York is the heart of business in America and the pharmaceutical industry is in the north. See, they need educated workforces, so they aren’t going to agree with your plan. You keep Wal-Mart for the race to the bottom you embrace for your workers though.
–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
Excuse me, your states lead the way in poverty and are heavily subsidized by our states.
–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks.
The stupid, the greedy, and the backward? You got em.
–We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
Remember that our states and we liberals also have Broadway, the publishing industry, the museums, art, dance, music (I don’t mean bluegrass), and culture. You keep watching reruns of Hee-Haw.
–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
–You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
Deal. You finish up your work in Iraq and Afghanistan — it’s going really, really well (ahem). But you got to cover the cost in lives lost, the wounded, the dollars, and what doesn’t get done at home.
–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
Hmmm…..when will you start living them? Will you stop the death penalty soon? Care for the poor? Take in the homeless? Provide health care to children? If you start actually living your Judeo-Christian ideals I’ll come over to your side.
–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McLaine. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
You mean we will be tolerant of the widest variety of ideas and thinking? You bet.
–We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
Deal — your oil suppliers will love you for it. Keep sending your money to them, you’ll need to.
–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
Okay, but our doctors work at MGH, Columbia-Presbyterian, Leahy Clinic, the Mayo Clinic, Stanford Medical Center, Sloan-Kettering. Yours work at…..well, good luck with your docs.
–We’ll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right.
Really? And when you get critically ill, I wonder how long you’ll maintain that position. Want to take bets?
–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
Actually, the world you are describing would prefer Dixie.
–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.
Actually, yes, for the most part.
–We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Deal. Trickle down economics created record deficits under Reagan and Bush, so you go ahead and try it again. Let us know how that works out for you.
–Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Liberals who fought for our country? John Kerry, John Kennedy, George McGovern, Jim Webb, Daniel Inouye, Wes Clark, Max Cleland, Chuck Rangel.
What do hawks like Cheney, Rumsfeld, Bush, Wolfowitz, Gingrich, Palin have in common? None ever served the country.
Liberals earned the flag and the name the hard way, thank you very much.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
On this question, I am certain of the answer.